Fay Tale - Chapter Twenty-Three

After a well-deserved nap for the princess, Maidd found himself sitting patiently on his wooden bench during Lily’s history, tactics, and etiquette lessons before she was turned loose for the afternoon. And by loose that meant retracing their steps to the stables and watching her sulk during a riding lesson that Angelis had arranged. After that was done, they returned to her classroom for her last lesson in mechanics. Maidd noticed that Bremen had stolen his seat in the back of the room by dint of almost sitting on him. Only a vaguely threatening meow warned him in time.

The ogre grumbled but chose another spot that was out of the afternoon sunshine. He didn’t need any help falling asleep, and he certainly wasn’t going to fight the Royal Advisor over the spot regardless. Ogres may not back down from a fight, but they also weren’t stupid.

Maidd had been fairly surprised and impressed with most of the tutors. He’d expected dry, dull lessons from ancient nobles, but only one of her tutors was actually a noble and that was for court etiquette taught by an endless series of tea parties. After Lord Farmir had decided Maidd wasn’t going to bash him over the head and dine on his bones, he had been co-opted to serve as a knight, a priest, a minor noble, and a courtier currently in favor with the king. Maidd had never felt so important being served tea in a bright pink and white china cup. Actually, he had never been served tea in a pink and white china cup before so he supposed that didn’t say much.

The mechanics teacher was, unsurprisingly, a dwarf. He tended to be a little long-winded, once again unsurprisingly, but he brought all sorts of fantastic mechanical toys for Lily to play with and take apart. History lessons were from a very old human scribe, but he was on par with the best ogre bard Maidd had ever heard in crafting tales of the history of Eirendyr and its neighbors. All the tutors were exceptional in crafting their lessons to be accessible to a young, and extremely fidgety, princess. Prince Seris and Angelis had outdone themselves.

Maidd was certain that if these tutors had replaced the princess’s ladies-in-waiting, he would never have been summoned to the palace in the first place. He wondered why that had never happened. Maybe he would ask the etiquette tutor later.

His war train was derailed when Bremen stretched out, somehow becoming infinitely longer, and latched his claws into the side of Maidd’s leg.

The ogre glared as the cat started to knead against him.

“Why are you even here?” he whispered to the royal advisor. “Angelis said you weren’t supposed to come to Lily’s lessons.”

“I’m only forbidden if I distract her. The only one I’m currently distracting is you,” the cat pointed out.

Maidd frowned down at him.

“And I’m here because they still haven’t greeted all the nobility that’s dying to see that impudent puppy,” Bremen groused.

“They’re still parading around?” Maidd asked, aghast. “It’s been four marks already!”

“Zara’s got a lot of admirers, and they all have to be greeted when he arrives or they’ll fuss and feud with each other. There used to be duels over who got to show him off until Majesty claimed the right to do so.”

“What about the rest of the time?”

“Zara makes it work,” Bremen said, lashing his tail irritably. “His upper head might not be used as much as the lower one, but it does work. Anyway, Majesty was beginning to slow boil. I would’ve stayed for the eruption, but Zara was too irritating so I left.”

The ogre had a suspicion that the cat had done something to get himself banished from the courtesan and king’s presence but decided against saying so. Maidd was considerably aware that the gently kneading paws concealed painful weapons, after all. Then something the cat said caught up with him.

“He?”

“He what?” Bremen asked, rolling onto his other side before continuing to knead.

“He who, Bremen.”

“Don’t you mean he whom?”

“Bremen!”

The classroom was suddenly very quiet. Maidd looked up to find Sir Rexilium Quantifyias Corsico Pendantimus the 7th staring at him with alarm.

“Maidd! Shhhhhh!” Lily said with relish.

“I’m very sorry Princess, Sir Rexilium Quantifyias Corsico Pendantimus the 7th,” Maidd said, flushing a deeper green.

The dwarf muttered something dwarvish before clearing his throat and continuing the lesson. Lily pressed her index finger to her lips as she glared at her Guardian. Maidd copied the gesture meekly, which seemed to satisfy her.

“Careful Maidd. Angelis might start throwing you out during lessons too,” Bremen purred with amusement.

The ogre glared down at the cat who merely yawned and closed his eyes.

“Bremen!” he growled, whispering this time.

“I’m trying to nap.”

“What do you mean by he?”

“Are ogres as uncivilized as they say?”

“That depends on what you count as civilized.”

“Do you understand the basic concepts of sex and gender expression?” the royal advisor asked with another yawn.

“If by gender expression you mean people acting and dressing a certain way for a certain sex?”

All ogres wore leather made from their kills. Warriors also wore armor and almost everyone was expected to be a warrior, warrior-in-training, or advanced-warrior. There were also little trinkets someone might fancy but there wasn’t a particular expectation for certain genders to wear certain types of trinkets. In fact, non-ogres couldn’t even tell the sexes apart since the females didn’t have mammary glands like humans or satyrs. Ogre pups could walk within a candlemark of birth and ate a ground up meat paste during their first month before moving onto tougher prey.

“More or less complicated depending on the culture,” the cat agreed. “Anyway, Zara’s physically a male, but he likes to dress in both human male and female styles.”

“I had no idea she-he wasn’t female.”

“Which was the whole point,” Bremen said. “He’s more vain than Seris even.”

“He’s definitely…I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful,” Maidd admitted, still a little stunned.

The ogre jumped as the kneading paws became fearsomely sharp. He glared down at the cat, but Bremen was already pulling away, curling up into a ball of fur, and closing his eyes. Maidd waited to see if he would add anything else but, for once, the Royal Advisor was silent.

When the lesson on mechanics was finally over, Maidd and Lily found Prince Angelis waiting for them out in the hallway.

“Angel! Zara’s back!” Lily cheered as she ran over to hug the vampire.

“So I have heard,” Angel assured, kneeling so that he could wrap his arms around her. “Did you greet him properly?”

“Yes!”

The vampire glanced at Maidd who shrugged. He had no idea what was considered an appropriate greeting for a royal courtesan.

“I’m very happy to hear that. Did you have fun playing with Verbaedenbenhamid?”

“Yes! Grumps fed Ben silver and Clutch and Halt played with us and Maidd’s going to bring me back later!” she finished triumphantly.

“Oh?”

“Yes! Ben said so!”

“The lord’s guardians reluctantly accepted my stand-in for His Majesty,” Maidd explained. “The ponies were, ah, lonely.”

“I am impressed, Guardian Maidd. Those particular ponies are very diligent regarding Verbaedenbenhamid’s safety.”

“No more than Prince Seris is with Lily,” the ogre pointed out.

“Moreso, I’m afraid. Not that I can blame them-”

“Angel! I’m hungry!”

“Liliana please don’t interrupt me.”

“I’m sorry.” She waited a few beats before tapping on his shoulder.

“Yes?”

“May I please have something to eat?”

Maidd could see the vampire was amused though he didn’t allow the child to see.

“You may have a small snack since we are eating with the court tonight.”

Lily groaned and Maidd mentally groaned along with her. He hated eating with the court. Not that he was eating, of course, but everyone always stared at him as he stood behind the princess’s seat. It didn’t help that he was tallest and greenest guard present. There was no way anyone could miss him.

“We are holding a feast to celebrate the Royal Courtesan’s return,” Angel said relentlessly. “Maidd please have her ready to enter at a quarter mark.”

“Yes Prince Angelis.”

Lily sighed but perked slightly when Angel stayed to eat her snack with her. Maidd politely denied the proffered fruit and cheese. Ogres preferred their meals large but infrequent.

“Seris is, unfortunately, rather busy with Zara’s return.”

Maidd could only imagine. The prince’s reputation for philandering with anyone he found attractive was almost as great as the king’s reputation for doing the exact opposite.

It’s not quite what you’re imagining, a familiar voice said into his head. Maidd jumped slightly but Angelis continued cutting a smaller piece of cheese for Lily to snack on.

And what, exactly, was I imagining? the ogre returned cautiously.

Sex.

Okay, yes, I was thinking sex, Maidd admitted.

I thought I’d better explain the rules to you. It’s really why I came to check on Liliana. Zara is very different from any courtesan you’ve met before.

To be honest, he’s the first I’ve met, actually.

Maidd couldn’t decide if it was a good thing or not. On the one side of the warhammer, he wouldn’t have anything to unlearn, but on the other side if he had then maybe he’d know what not to expect.

Maidd sighed and rubbed the tip of one green ear. Humans made everything so needlessly difficult.

Zara is a royal courtesan, Angelis explained, which means he has the patronage of King Anand himself. However, unlike most in such a position, Zara does not perform for the pleasure of the king alone but for the entire castle.

Maidd couldn’t imagine the king sleeping with, well, anyone much less a person he would have to share with hundreds of others.

That sounds like a lot of work.

Zara is unique, Angelis admitted. I have never known a courtesan to be able to manage so many volatile egos and inane expectations all while flirting outrageously with every single person whose path he crosses.

The flirting I’d noticed, Maidd said dryly.

“Angel I don’t want to eat anymore,” Lily said, scooting some fruit to the edge of her plate.

“Two more grapes, please, and then you may go wash your hands.”

Lily sighed but tucked them both into her mouth in a manner that reminded Maidd of a small toad. Then she hurried out to wash her hands before Angelis could change his mind or scold her about chewing first.

I thought you might, Angelis continued, and I wanted you to know that if he propositions you, you are entirely within your right to accept.

That’s nice but I don’t think we’d be a great fit.

I believe you would be pleasantly surprised. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve had to slap Seris just to get him to shut up about it, the vampire sighed. I’m sure you’ll hear your own set of stories by the time Zara leaves the castle again and-

I meant physically, Angel. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t fit in him.

Oh.

The vampire’s pale face flushed slightly, but he was saved by the arrival of Lily who bounced into his lap.

“I’m clean!”

She held up both hands to prove it. Angelis inspected them a bit longer than necessary before kissing her forehead.

“You and Maidd may go play now.”

“Come on, Maidd! Let’s play cover and run!”

“Okay, but we’re not playing in the gardens this time,” the ogre warned as he got to his feet.

“What?!”

“You’re really good at hiding in the gardens. I want to see if you can hide inside the castle.” The ogre folded his arms and stared down at his princess. “Unless you think you’re not a good enough hider?”

“No! I can do it!” the child insisted.

With a wave at Angelis, she and her Guardian disappeared into the hallway.